My own worst critic (and just one inappropriate outburst to a colleague)…

I’ve been treated to a few good days of late but unfortunately yesterday and today have not been so good.

As a result of feeling rubbish, I didn’t post anything on here yesterday, preferring to cuddle up on the sofa feeling sorry for myself with my brain switched to “Zombie”. Truth be told, I had thought on Tuesday evening I may reduce my posts from daily anyway, as I do sometimes struggle to find interesting things to write about, but Endo (as usual) took the decision out of my hands.

Yesterday, after only a few hours sleep due to insomnia and some loud and dramatic grunts quiet complaining, I rolled out of bed ready to die face the day. On my way to boil the kettle I noticed some sizeable pain in my abdomen. A new kind of pain. I just love new pains. But I put this to the back of my mind and focused on the most important task of the day – getting caffeine down my neck.

After managing some breakfast and a small gulp of coffee I went to find clothes:

“I will make it through today”

Whilst dressing G passed by, as is customary and expected for any partner passing the other whilst they are half naked, in a compromising position, he gave my butt a playful tap. The pain. I had thus far been doing okay at ignoring this new pain, pretending it wasn’t there, wouldn’t effect my day, but this light, playful tap, that never usually hurts, had me stumble and yell out as I felt a stab shoot up my stomach. As I tried to pull myself together, G suggested maybe I wasn’t in a fit state to work. Feeling tearful and shaky (holding onto the wall for support) I couldn’t help but agree.

“I won’t be in today”

“That’s fine, what’s the problem?”

“The usual… stomach, tired”

I don’t think I have ever rang my work as bitterly as I did yesterday and delivered the reason for my absence so bluntly. As usual they were really understanding (thank God for decent employers!) but I felt fed up that on what should be a week of the least pain according to my cycle, I was calling to admit defeat. G left the house, I relegated myself to the sofa and binged watched Ackley Bridge.

I can’t really express the frustration days like yesterday cause, there aren’t enough words.

I am a hardworking person, tenacious, active, independent to a fault – all words that don’t mix well with Endometriosis.

Only a few short years ago I lived alone, worked 3 jobs, cared for my cat, two horses and was in pursuit of a horse that was a “lost cause” (that became my first horse).

I would wake at 7, go to my full time job at a GP surgery from 8am until 6.30pm, I would be on my feet much of the day, stressed out with only a 30 minute break. I would leave at 6.30, feed my cat and go to the yard. Whilst there I would muck out, water and feed 2 horses, spend some time with the “lost cause” to convince her humans aren’t so bad before catching a bus home. A quick shower and some food at home before starting my 6 hour shift at a nightclub, once this shift finished I’d be home, showered again and set my alarm to be up for my shift at the supermarket later that day. And so on it went. Sure, it wasn’t easy but it wasn’t impossible. I would do this with a cold, with a bug, sleep deprived (and sometimes a little hungover…).

Gypsy, the lost cause: the first photo was whilst I helping to build her confidence with humans (before I owned her). The last three are as I taught her to accept a rider and built a bond with her during my time as her owner.

Now imagine the frustration at having to ring my boss because it seems impossible to get through an 8.30am – 5pm, sit down office job with a cushty hour long break. I didn’t need to sort Prince that night, nor had I the night before. Literally, walking 15 minutes to work and sitting for 7 and a half hours felt impossible.

With any chronic illness there’s so much to battle, honestly the more I write the more I think of! Each time I think “this is the most frustrating part” but then another day comes with another challenge and my opinion changes again…

The new pain is crap, and it’s not much better today but I couldn’t face another day off (nor afford one). Earlier I was asked “how are you feeling?” and replied bluntly “like something really fucking spikey is up my butt”. In other posts I have mentioned times you inadvertently give TMI to family, friends or colleagues…this was one of those times. Thankfully this colleague didn’t take offence at my overly descriptive and imaginative imagery.

But what feels worse is knowing that whether it is tomorrow, next week or next month, I will have to make that call again. Thankfully I don’t suffer with unsympathetic and judgemental colleagues like many do (or if I do, they don’t voice their opinions very loudly) but I suffer my own judgement.

I suffer judging myself by what I used to achieve, the person I used to be – focused, active, hardworking. I suffer knowing that this situation may never improve, it probably won’t. I have a constant internal battle between who I know I am, and who my body lets me be.

I try very hard to keep positive, and generally I am. But days like today I feel deflated.

I never want to leave readers feeling like there isn’t a point to my posts, I don’t want to rant, bring more negativity into their lives and leave other chronic illness sufferers worried this will be their life – it won’t be.

So if you take anything from reading today’s post, take this; today is a low day for me. It isn’t the first, and it certainly isn’t the worst. I have many more days where I feel happy and strong. I have so many positives to take from my journey, they still stand, even on days like today. But you know what? It’s okay to wallow a bit, every so often. It’s okay to feel a bit down, overwhelmed. It’s fine to admit defeat on impossible days. Just know that whether it is tomorrow, or the next day, even if it is next week, I’ll come out of this mood and remember all the positive and inspiring things I have learnt so far. So will you.

I hope today is one of the better for you. But if not – eat some chocolate and don’t be so damn hard on yourself 😊

Pain days are the days you force affection on your cat!

One thought on “My own worst critic (and just one inappropriate outburst to a colleague)…

  1. I used to be like you, refusing to take a sick day because it’s not in my personality and I like to do, do, do. But as I’ve gotten older and learned more about endo management, I now have no problem (though I still loathe it in some ways) taking a sick day to rest and recharge when pain strikes. Self-care is important!

    Also, Gypsy is a beaut!

    Like

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